


You Made It All Worthwhile

by SilentlyFighting



Series: Face Your Fears [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angry Calum, Concerts, Cutting, Denial, Embarrassment, F/M, Fans, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smoking, Twitcam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 22:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6538168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentlyFighting/pseuds/SilentlyFighting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Because the other four are seated around this room sharing our moment and making memories with us.” I reply, getting playful teasing from the others before they happily agree.</p><p>“Thank you for making it all worthwhile.” I whisper that night as I fall asleep surrounded by some of the greatest friends I have in my life and the person I care about the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Made It All Worthwhile

**Author's Note:**

> This took forever to write but I got there eventually. So let me know what you think in the comments and give it kudo's if you want to see more from me.  
> Check out my other works through my profile if you like that I do.  
> Also, let me know if you see any typo's so I can fix them ASAP.
> 
> See you soon guys, I love every single one of you for giving me a chance.  
> :P

“It sucks doesn’t it?”

Hayden’s voice jolts me out of my thoughts. As I realise what I was previously doing – watching Luke and Calum messing around on the couch across the room while Michael plays his game from where he is seated on the floor in front of them and laughing at their antics every so often – I quickly look down at my hands as I pick nervously at a blister. I shrug in reply to his question as I choose to pretend I don’t know what he means.

“I’m not judging you Ash. We’re all guilty of feeling lonely when we see everyone around us in relationships while we’re still single.” He goes quiet as he shifts to face me better before continuing. “Luke wants to help you find someone, you know? Went on for ages yesterday about how bad he felt that he and Calum could do all the couple stuff while you are stuck on your own. Michael is more of a lone wolf anyway so you don’t get much company from him and Luke wishes he knew someone he could set you up with.” He pauses when he see’s my mortified expression. “We talked him out of trying to set you up with someone but you have to admit that he has a point. Look, I’m not saying I agree with his proposed methods but I know you feel lonely, maybe even left out sometimes.”

“I’m fine. He’s finally happy and I’m happy for him, I am, it’s just...”I trail off as I think over what I can possibly say without giving too much away.

“It’s just what Ash?”

“It’s just awkward to see them interacting and having nobody else to talk to, I hate being the third wheel I guess. I admit it would be nice to have someone to just settle down with at night and talk to without feeling like I am going to be judged for anything I say but when you’re constantly on the move, the chances of finding someone like that is next to  impossible.” I pause. “One day I will have someone and that’s the hope I hold on for.”  I mumble as I move a few bracelets around nervously. 

“I heard about your past.” He muses. “You still do it then?” he asks quietly as he shoots a look over to the boys to make sure they don’t hear either of us talking about this kind of stuff.

“Not really but I can’t say I haven’t thought about it.” I reply as I play with my bracelets. “Came close too...but there’s always something that stops me.” I admit.

He nods but stays quiet, even though he hasn’t asked or said anything I feel like he understands. I switch my attention to my phone when I feel it buzz in my pocket. I roll my eyes as I spot the sender of the text but open it anyway.

 ** _Mikey!! XP ~_** _Are you two going to keep gossiping away over there or are you going to join us??? :P_

I shoot him a look over the top of the screen and get a cheeky smile in return; I decide to ignore him as I turn the screen off and turn my head to face Hayden.

“Where’s Emily anyway? At least one of us won’t be lonely if she's around.” I laugh weakly, but the teasing tone I had intended to use doesn't really show through as much as I hoped it would.

“She went to get us food, she should be back any second actually.”

No sooner have the words come out of his mouth and the door opens as Emily flounces through with about five bags of take out in her hands. I eye the bags before laughing as she is ambushed by three boys before she is even halfway across the room.

Hayden and I don’t move as we watch her dealing with the boys, it’s nothing she can’t deal with and this can be heard when she reprimands Michael for trying to steal some when she wasn’t looking.  I am surprised when Michael comes over with Emily as they both carry two plates each. Emily hands her other plate to Hayd who repays her with a kiss before they settle down.

I eye Michael as he nervously shuffles forward and holds the plate out to me in offering. Although it is an unexpected action I can’t help but feel lucky to have the boys in my life in moments like this. I take the plate gently from his hand and give him a small smile as he curls himself into the space between me and the sofa arm, curling a lot of himself as close to me as he can without physically being on my lap.

“I thought it might cheer you up because you looked down earlier.” He mumbles as he nuzzles against my shoulder before setting about eating his meal quietly next to me.

I nod softly as I keep my eyes on my plate and eat slowly. I eat most of it but after about three quarters of my meal, I can’t eat anymore and give it to Mikey to finish as I shuffle out from under his limbs and get a drink from the kitchen.

I take a sip of the cold water as I lean back against the counter and take a deep breath. I have felt fine all day but it’s only in the last half hour that my stomach has started to feel weird and now there’s food in there I can’t help but worry that it might all come back up again.

I jump slightly when I feel a hand on my shoulder, looking up I find Calum looking me over with a concerned look in his eyes. “You alright? You got up pretty quickly and you’re shaking.”

As the words register I look down to find he is right and I am indeed shaking pretty badly. I turn and place the glass on the counter as I brace myself against it.

“I don’t know Cal, I was fine but I started feeling off like half hour ago and it was getting worse so I came here for fresh air and a drink.”  I tell him as I register how I feel right now. I feel too hot but I am shaking pretty bad so it gives the impression that I am cold. I also feel like I’m going to throw up any second and let’s not forget the headache I feel coming on. I groan as I lean forwards and switch to leaning my head against my arms on the counter, the coolness of the surface feeling good.

I feel Calum testing my temperature with his hand before he wraps one of my arms around his shoulder and keeps one of his secured tight around my waist. “You're going straight to bed. I’ll bring you some medication to take before you sleep once your settled in your room.” He explains to me as he walks us out of the kitchen area and towards the bedrooms.

I stumble slightly and feel his grip get tighter as I struggle to maintain my balance. I feel like I am losing contact with my body slowly as it stops doing what I want bit by bit. Before long I feel my other arm being wrapped around someone else so I am supported from both sides and quickly we reach my room and I am layed down. They strip me down to my boxers and I close my eyes when the cool air in the room hits my skin, it feels really good against my heated skin.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess I passed out after that because the next thing I know I am waking up the next morning. I can hear the other boys in the other room but my attention shifts back to this room when I hear shuffling and feel a hand checking my temperature. The hand is small so that literally rules out all the boys here because theirs are too big and I highly doubt that Hayd has hands this small, so that narrows it down to Emily.

She does a few other things before the peaceful atmosphere is interrupted by knocking on the door.

“How’s he doing?” Calum’s voice speaks quietly as presumably he and another enter as there are two sets of footsteps.

“Better than last night.” Is her immediate answer as she brushes my hair softly away from my face with a quiet sigh. “His temperature is still a little high but at a more manageable level now. I don’t think he is awake yet so I can’t tell you much. Once he is awake I might be able to find out more but until then I just have to go with what seems to be working.”

A deep sigh of relief can be heard before Calum once again speaks up. “I seriously thought I was going to drop him when he started going down, I have to thank your fiancé for his quick reflexes when I go back out there.” He laughs slightly. “It's good that he is ok but I don’t know how long we can get management to hold things off for without an explanation.”

I can’t help but jump when I feel a larger hand than before rub my arm but I put it down to the fact that whoever it is hasn’t said anything since they came in so I didn’t know just how close they were. They must have felt me jump because as quick as they were there, they’re gone again and soon footsteps can be heard leaving the room quickly.

“He feels like he did something to make whatever this is happen, won’t listen to any of us when we tell him that it was no one’s fault.” Calum mumbles. “He also said he won’t believe it wasn’t his fault until he hears it from Ash himself.” There is a pause before he whispers to me quietly, only for me to hear. “That’s one of your reasons to wake up quick. He needs you to tell him he isn’t to blame; he needs you to show him that you're fine. He needs you Ash...We all do.”

The way they talk about me, as if I am never going to wake up, scares me because to me I am awake although it is still taking a while for all of my body to catch up with my consciousness. I faintly hear someone leave but my focus stays on opening my eyes although they feel like lead weights.

Eventually I open them enough to let light in but quickly close them it proves to be too bright. After a few attempts, my eyes finally adjust and I can open them more. I whimper slightly as I move around as my muscles protest against the movement, feeling like I have just done the toughest work out of my life without stretching beforehand.

“Morning Ashton.” Emily greets me quietly from right by my side. It makes me jump slightly but only because I thought she was over the other side of the room. “How’re you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been trampled on by a herd of elephants, you know the usual.” I rasp, wincing at how wrecked my voice sounds.

“Don’t worry; it’ll get better when you’ve had a few drinks to lubricate your throat again.” She reassures, noticing my wince. “Gave your friends a scare last night.” She reminds me.

“So I heard.” I mumble although I know she caught it when she gives me a slight smile.

I sip my drink after sitting up better against the headboard. She does a few other checks now that I am awake and seems to be satisfied with her results but she still isn’t so happy about my temperature.

Although she has a few complaints, I get up and dress in sweats and a light t-shirt so I can keep cool. I reassure her that if something changes about the way I feel that I will tell her which she accepts although she still reminds me that she is going to keep an eye on me anyway.

She leads the way back to the boys who apparently set up camp in the living room area again like the night before. She heads straight over to Hayden who gives her a confused look, as do the other boys whose eyes follow her movements and don’t see me leaning against the doorway.

“Aren’t you meant to be with Ashton in case anything happens?” Hayden asks.

“I am with Ashton.” She nods her head in my direction, to where I am still leaning against the door frame.

As soon as they see me, I am nearly tackled to the floor by 3 bodies. They hug the life out of me before letting go when I warn them that if I don’t get oxygen soon I might pass out again.

“Good to see you back on your feet.” Hayden smiles warmly at me.

“Thanks for catching me yesterday. Heard that I was nearly dropped if it wasn’t for you and your ‘quick reflexes’” I reply.

He laughs before shooting me a thumbs up and sticking his tongue out at Calum who pouts at me.

I drop down across the sofa before speaking. “Even if I hadn’t heard your conversation this morning, I felt it last night when you started to lose your grip and someone else helping to carry me.”

He huffs before sitting in front of the sofa with his head leaned back against the cushion, the other boys doing the same.

“I also remember you stripping me. Just wanted to remind you that it’s your boyfriend you should strip, not me.” I smirk when he blushes and gives me an evil look.

“Hayden did it too so don’t pile all this on me.” He tries to reason as everyone laughs at his expense.

“That makes it worse because your both in relationships and you both helped to strip another guy.” I tease.

“I liked you better when you were asleep.” He pouts, giving up on arguing with me.

I give him a fake hurt look but when I go to answer, my attention gets diverted elsewhere as Michael climbs up onto the sofa with me and settles against my side.

“As much as I appreciate your affection, you’re not helping to lower my temperature.” I mumble as he nuzzles against me.

“Yeah, ‘cause I’m just that hot that I get your temperature rising.” He mumbles back teasingly.

“How do you know you don’t?” I shoot back before turning to better snuggle together and wrapping my arms around him when we are settled.

I hear the TV in the background but I am content to just rest and cuddle with one of my best friends.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, we are back on the bus as we travel to our next venue. Hayden and Emily are travelling on our bus with us and share a bunk which we thought was going to be weird but they make it work so we’re leaving them to it.

I am better today which has lifted the moods of the other three, I still get moments where I am dizzy but I’m not going to tell them that and have them worry again.

I am currently sitting in the sitting area up front writing down whatever is on my mind for future song ideas. I hear footsteps’ approaching before somebody sits across from me, not saying anything just watching.

“You think they don’t know that you’re still ill.” They murmur.

I huff but continue to write. “I would prefer that they didn’t know but ok.”

He chuckles before leaning forward so we are properly face to face if I look up. “I bet I know one of them that wishes you weren’t so stubborn about hiding how you feel.”

“Well that sucks because if I didn’t then I would never have a moment to myself.” I put my pen down and lean back watching him for a second. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I know you’re hurting Ash. Like Luke, I found it hard to figure out what I wanted in life but like you I struggled with things. I self harmed too but I stopped when I met Emily, she showed me that with the right people in my life, I could succeed. I was hurting but with someone there to hold me on my bad days I got better. You lot are all good guys and I feel like if I can make you all smile, then I have achieved something.” He pauses as if thinking over his next words. “I guess I just like making people happy and it was either you or Mikey and well...I can relate to you easier.”

“Not everyone can be fixed, you realise that right?” I murmur after a while.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I can’t try.” He replies before the rest of our conversation is cut off as we arrive at the venue and Luke comes flying through the bus and out the door.

“He is way too excitable.” Michael grumbles on the way past with Calum before backtracking to grab my hand to pull me along with them. Hayd and Emily laugh but follow us out.

We’re in the parking lot which is fenced off so we’re safe. We go straight into the building though and set about with sound check and setting up and adjusting everything we would need for the show later. I finish quite quickly and make my way backstage. I know that Hayd and Em are back here helping out somewhere but I just need space. I stumble slightly when a dizzy spell comes on but catch myself on a doorway. I stay there until it passes before continuing to stumble my way through the corridors until I get to the toilets. I trip and stumble a few more times as my head spins but I make it across the room and away from sight before sliding down the wall.

My head is pounding and I feel like I am going to throw up but just as fast as it came, it goes but so does my consciousness as my vision and hearing fade to nothing.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“We found him.” I hear faintly as I start to come round.

I feel someone shaking me and I groan softly when it makes my head spin slightly.

“You're the best at hide and seek, took forever to find you.” Luke jokes as he brushes my hair back and rubs my arm with his other hand. I hum to show I heard him before trying to sit up better. “Stay still; somebody is coming to check you over.”

Soon one of the medics on our team joins us in the bathroom and checks over everything, basically confirming everything I already knew.

Once Calum and Luke leave, the medic turns to me. “Tell me honestly, if I let you go out on stage tonight, will you be able to do it or do I need to tell them that we need a temporary drummer?”

I sigh from where I am now sitting on the counter. “We’ll never know unless we try, right? I can’t just drop out now that everything is set; I need to go out there.”

He looks at me doubtfully before walking with me to side stage to get wired up.

“I am staying here because I doubt this is going to end well.” He mumbles. “If something happens, I need you to get off of that stage as fast as you can but as safely as you can.” He orders me.

Once everything is set, I huff before getting ready to run onto stage when my cue comes. As soon as they say go, I am up there and hyping up the crowd. The boys join me on stage soon after and the show begins.

Nearly an hour in and things have been good.  A few missed cues and forgotten lyrics but it’s not like that hasn’t happened before. I glance backstage from where I am and see the medic and Em eyeing me for any signs of a falter but I give them a thumbs up and continue with the show.

I jump down from my platform and join Luke near the front as we come close to the final bow. Michael comes up behind me playing chords on his guitar to keep the crowd going. He comes up so close to my back that I can feel his hand moving against the strings and brushing the lowest part of my back. Hooking his chin over my shoulder he moves as close as he can while still playing.

His actions make my head spin but in a good way, as I relax against him and lay my head back against his shoulder and he finishes playing and moves his guitar behind his back, proceeding to wraps his arms around me instead as Luke finishes talking next to us and Calum comes to stand on my other side opposite to Luke.

Michael lets go and grabs my hand as we walk forward to do the bow. I take a deep breath when we lean down in sync, trying not to let how that action affected me show on my face. When we stand up straight again we wave goodbye. Just as I go to walk towards backstage, I am picked up over someone’s shoulder and carried across the stage. I wriggle but they pinch my leg to make me stop before we make it backstage.

I close my eyes when I start to feel sick, determined not to puke down their back. I feel my body being jolted as they walk and their shoulder goes up every time and presses into my stomach, which isnt helping the nauseous feeling right now .

I am layed down onto the sofa in the dressing room before someone curls up against me. Opening my eyes, I see Michael watching me carefully.

“What was that for?” I mumble as he tries to cuddle up to me.

“I thought it would be fun. Thought it might cheer you up a bit as well.” He reasons as he nuzzles up close to me.

“Why not one of them two?” I pout, pointing to Calum and Luke who are trying to use their shirts to whip each other. This happens every time so nobody bats an eyelid at their antics.

 He watches them for a second before turning his head back to face me. “I don’t think either of them would have appreciated me picking up their boyfriend, especially Calum if I had picked Luke up. That boy is more protective of Lukey than a tiger is with her cubs.” With that said he goes back to nuzzling me again.

I huff but let it happen because, as annoying as it would be for anyone else, this is Michael just showing his affection so we’re all used to it by now. When Michael gets up to change, Hayd speaks up from where he is sat on the sofa across from the one that I am lying on. .

“He likes you.” I ignore him as I scroll through twitter on my phone. “You don’t believe me but I bet if you asked for something he would be off to get it with a second thought.”

“I know you want to make us happy but trying to force relationships is just damaging.” I reply as I pocket my phone and take the hands offered by Luke and Calum to get up.

We all head out and pile into the vehicle outside waiting to take us to the hotel that we will be staying in while we’re here. Once there, I follow them into the hotel, waving to a few fans that are out and about waiting to catch a glimpse of us.

I find out that I am sharing with Michael this time which works because it would have been weird to deal with one of the other two sneaking out or sneaking the other in. I follow him to our room before collapsing down onto one of the beds on my stomach, not caring about the fact that I am still fully dressed.

“Ash, you can’t sleep like that.” I hear Michael say softly as he sits next to me with his hand resting on my back, thumb rubbing circles against my spine absent-mindedly.

I grumble but make no move to take any of my clothes off so he sets about turning me over. He undoes my shoes for me before taking them off and placing them by my bag.

I bat at his hands when he goes to undo anything else. “Ashton, you either let me do this or get up and do it yourself. You're acting like Luke, now what are you going to do?” He warns me.

I grumble a few choice words but sit up to take off my jacket and shirt. Once that is off he hands me another shirt, a lighter one that is easier to sleep in. When I have that on happens to be same moment that I give up trying and just lay back again.

“Ashton.” Michael warns. “I am not letting you sleep in jeans so either take them off or I will.”

I huff but make no attempt to stop him when he starts undressing me like you would a child. Once they are off he starts to get himself ready for bed. I turn back over onto my stomach  and slide up the bed until I find a comfortable spot. Before long I hear him go to bed and the lights are turned off.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few hours later and I'm still wide awake. I feel tired but I can’t sleep no matter how much I try so I gave up over an hour and a half ago. The only sound in the room is Michael’s quiet snores but other than that it is almost silent.

If you’ve heard the saying – “No amount of sleep in the world could cure the tiredness I feel.” – Well that is how I feel right now. I am so tired but I know closing my eyes will fix nothing. This day has barely started and already I want it to end.

As the minutes pass my mind fills with more thoughts, scenarios and memories of things I want to forget and by 3am I have also given up pretending to be fine. I get up and make my way to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

After so long of pretending that everything is fine and that I am fine, I have finally broken down. I crumple to the floor with my back against the far wall as the tears roll down my face. Looking up from where my face is buried in my hands, I see my razor on the side, set out for use tomorrow but now it just feels like a taunt, showing me the weapon and testing how good I am at resisting it.

I stop resisting myself and spring forward, grabbing it off the counter and breaking it apart to get one of the blades out. Once I have a blade I stop all movement as my eyes focus on the sharp object in my hand. It’s silent although Michael’s snores can still be heard occasionally.

I take my bracelets off slowly before hovering the blade over my scarred skin. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to destroy all my hard work? Do I want to disappoint everyone that has ever believed in me?

As these thought buzz around my mind, they all come to the same conclusion. I don’t want to do it but I feel like I need to at the same time. I don’t want to destroy my hard work but I can’t pretend that I haven’t thought about doing this before today. As for disappointing anyone, I have no one left to disappoint and anyone that did care...well, what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them.

I sigh as I press the blade down and let it glide across my skin. It stings slightly but the pain is just another reminder to me of my past. I repeat this a few more times until I finally put the blade down, content to just watch the cuts bleed out and drip down to the floor.

Once the bleeding slows down I get up and wash away the blood that has dried on my arm before wrapping the fresh cuts with a bandage and replacing all of my bracelets to cover the evidence. I clean up the mess and hide the blade then replace the razor I broke. Once everything has gone back to the way it was before I came in, I turn off the light and unlock the door. I make my way across the room and back to my bed before lying down and facing the other way, finally feeling like I can fall asleep because my mind feels clearer.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am ripped out of unconsciousness by the alarm the next morning. I sit up and turn it off when I hear Michael groan and complain for the 3rd time before making my way to the bathroom with today’s clothes to take a shower and get ready for the day. Once I am ready, I check my cuts and replace the bandage with a clean one making sure that my bracelets cover it before walking out and letting Michael do his thing.

When he is finally ready, we meet the other four by the elevator. I yawn as lean back against the wall. Hayden looks over to me, giving me a once over before sighing and shaking his head softly. Although his actions confuse me, I ignore it for the time being as the elevator dings and the doors open. We head straight for the restaurant area for breakfast.

I get coffee but nothing to eat, not really hungry right now. The others order the whole menu – at least it seems that way – but I just sit back and watch as the scoff the whole lot down. I look up from my cup when I see a plate slide in front of me.

“What is this for?” I ask Calum.

“You need energy if you’re going to get through the day, so eat up.” He replies.

I look back at the food before pushing it away. “I’m good. You’re all done anyway so let’s go.” I say as I grab my jacket off of the back of my chair and stand up.

He sighs, seeming to give up as he and the rest get up and shrug on their jackets and we meet the guards at the front door of the hotel. They help us through the crowd into the awaiting mini-van and we are off to the radio interview scheduled first today.

When we arrive we are escorted through the crowd, through endless corridors before we are shown into the studio that the interview is being conducted in. We take our seats and get the introductions over with and soon we get round to the questions.

“So how is tour going? You’re the main act this time around after all.”

“It's been interesting, definitely a whole new experience than last time but it’s been good, yeah.” Luke speaks first.

“Yeah, we got used to touring with the 1D boys so it has been weird to not be around them but we’ve made new friends, had a few new experiences and learnt a few things so I would say it’s done us some good.” Calum speaks next.

Michael and I just nod in agreement, having nothing to add.

“Have there been many mishaps on tour so far?” is the next question posed.

We all looked to each other trying to remember any that can be said on live radio.

“Well, we have the usual stuff like forgotten lyrics or wrong chords and I’m pretty sure there have been others but I’m just not sure what we can and can’t say so...” I answer, trailing off at the end.

“Calum and Michael have both fallen over on stage so I guess that counts.” Luke speaks up.

This gets a laugh out of the interviewer and I zone out after this as the others answer each of the questions. I am leaning with my head rested in my hand when I feel a nudge in the ribs, looking up I see Luke giving me a curious look. I shake my head as I give him a quick smile and thumbs up before zoning back into what the interviewer has to say, playing with the bracelets on my wrist sub-consciously but not moving them around too much so the bandage is still covered.

“This has been a great experience having you boys come in and answer some questions for us. We would apologise for the early start but it appears you are quite used to it. Anyway, thank you for coming in and we hope to see you again some time.”

We all say our goodbyes before the ‘On Air’ sign goes off and we are free to go. I shuffle along behind the lads and meet Hayd and Em before piling back into the mini-van to take us to our next scheduled activity of the day - a photo shoot.

We get to the place and we are instantly thrown into a schedule of make-up, wardrobe then photo and repeat. Around two and a half hours later and we are finally allowed to take all the crap off of our faces, change into our normal clothes and leave.

It is a long drive to the venue as the traffic is quite horrendous by now but eventually we get there. Everything is still set but the other three wanted to go and mess around on the instruments so I leave them too it as I find the gym area set up backstage and set about working out after changing into a pair of shorts and leaving my top half bare so I don’t ruin any shirts.

I am doing box-ercise, or boxing to anyone not experienced in the gym, when I hear a voice.

“They’re worried about you, you know?”

I huff but continue my exercise. “I know you mean well but poking around in my business will not end well. I know what I feel, I know what I’m doing and I know how my actions could affect people if they found out. Pointing them out to me as if I am a child that doesn't understand right from wrong will only result in me wanting to kick your ass from one side of this place to the other, do you understand?”

I stop punching the bag to shake my arms out, releasing the built up tension in the muscles, before moving over to the area designated for other exercises and start to do sit ups. As I am doing them I can see Hayd thinking over my words.

“You lash out when people point out your actions, but why?” he murmurs. I growl lowly but do not answer him.

Just as he goes to speak I hear another voice. “Hayd, riling him up is not the best idea, trust me, I know from experience. Just leave him.”

“Luke – “Hayd starts but gets cut off.

“Hayd just come with me, I can get somebody up here to calm him down and then you can talk about whatever this is properly at another time but until then, I am begging you to leave it.”

I stop doing sit ups and take a few deep breaths to calm my breathing before rolling over and starting to do push ups. There is a sigh before two sets of footsteps can be heard leaving, not even ten minutes later rushed footsteps can be heard before a body collides with mine and takes me down with them.

I groan before turning over and shoving the body off of me. “Was that necessary?”

“Yes, Luke said you needed calming down so I am here to cuddle the anger out of you.” Michael replies innocently as he sits up cross legged next to me.

I sigh letting my head rest back down. Only Michael would handle a situation like this. I lay there for a while as I catch my breath, the whole exercise I threw myself into plus the takedown kind of took the air out of me.

I feel a body sidle up next to mine before he lays his head on my chest and plays with one of my hands. I ignore his actions but I soon start paying attention when he kisses my collarbone.

“I wish you would let us in every now and again.” He whispers against my skin although I can feel his hand moving over my arm before his fingers move under my bracelets and brush against the bandage. “You thought I was asleep but I heard you, heard it all and wanted to go in there and hold you but I knew deep down that you needed alone time.” He pauses, sniffling slightly. “I should have done something Ash, maybe if I had done something even if it was just lying with you when you came back, that something would have made a difference.” I feel dampness on my skin and looking down I can see the tears rolling down his face.

I wrap my arms around him. “Nothing you could have done would have stopped it from happening eventually Mikey. I was going to break eventually and it just so happened that last night was my last straw and I snapped.” I murmur, trying to get him to see my point of view.

“Was it too much to ask for you to trust one of us enough to let us in on days like that?” He whimpers desperately.

“No, but when I break down, I go down hard and all rational thoughts fly out the window.” I answer.

He whimpers again before nuzzling into my neck as I bring him close. I know what I said doesn’t help much but nine time out of ten the truth hurts anyway, lying would not have made the situation any better and I already spend too much time lying to myself anyway so why should I lie to everyone else around me.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael and I walk towards the backstage area where we are needed, now ready to go on and wired up already but he refuses to stray far from me, with him currently tucked under my arm as I rest it across his shoulders.

“You know you have to let me go so I can go to my cue.” I inform him softly as we catch up with the other who greet us with nods but make no comments about the currents situation.

“I don’t want anything to happen to you.” He mumbles as he keeps his hand fisted into my shirt and rests his face against my shoulder as we stand waiting.

Luke, Calum and Emily give us curious looks but Hayden meets my eyes before they shift down to my wrist which is still hidden behind bracelets but now covered in a new bandage amd once again hidden behind bracelets.

“Michael, I am out there for less than a minute before you three make an appearance, I’m pretty sure I am going to be perfectly safe in that time and even if I wasn’t I’m sure whatever happens would be quickly dealt with.” I try to reason with him. He whines as he shakes his head against my shoulder. I sigh before pushing him back until he is at arm’s length but now face to face instead of hiding. “Michael, I will be fine. You have been with me for an hour now and nothing bad has happened – “

“But I wasn’t there when you needed me.” He interrupts me and the other boys and Em seem to catch on as Michaels eyes drift to my covered wrist.

“Maybe not but you’re here now and I know you will be there in the future. I know you don’t exactly trust me alone right now but even if I wanted to, I have thirty seconds – if that - before you’re on stage and nothing sharp anywhere close to me. I will be fine.” I respond.

“Mikey, none of us will let anything happen to him.” Calum speaks up as the other nod in agreement, but he still looks unsure.

He meets my gaze again before mumbling, “Promise?”

“Yes Michael, I promise you that I will be fine.” I reply quickly as I hear the intro starting.

Before I have time to react, he dives forward and connects our lips in a searing kiss then pulls back slightly, “You better keep that promise.” He mumbles before pecking my lips once more and running off with Cal and Luke to get his guitar.

I stand in shock for a second before shaking it off and getting ready to go; once my cue comes I am off up the ramp and into stage mode – let’s get this show on the road.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I meet the lads near the front, wrapping my arms around Calum and Luke's shoulders as we wait for Michael, pulling them both close in a tight hug, letting them dig their heads into each side of my neck to get closer. I laugh slightly when I hear a protest from behind us before another body collides with us and Calum brings Mikey into the hug. We embrace as a group for a second, revelling in the feeling of the whole thing before unravelling ourselves and lining up in our usual order.

Michael, me, Luke then Calum on the other end.

We do our final bow and other usual finalising stuff before racing each other backstage. We laugh and joke all the way to the dressing room and form a group hug around Hayd and Em who laugh the whole time, not minding that we are all very sweaty right now.

Our fun is dampened slightly by our tour manager hurrying us to pack our stuff so we can leave earlier and get back to the hotel but we soon pick up where we left off when we get in the van. We say hi to as many fans as we can before we get herded into the hotel and then we are all split off into our rooms so we don’t cause any trouble with other guests in the hotel.

I lay back on my bed, as I think over the events of the day, I can hear Calum and Luke messing around next door since the connecting door is ajar so no doubt they will come in here soon. By the sounds of it, Hayd and Em are also in there so it is a full gone conclusion that they will either make us go there or come in here soon.

Michael is in the shower right and as my mind wanders I can’t help but remember what he did before I went on stage...he kissed me like the whole thing was something we had done many times before. I mean, sure we have kissed each other drunk but with the exception of Calum and Luke who are regularly found lip locked recently, Michael and I have never kissed sober.

“You think too much.” Michael’s voice speaks from right beside me and makes me jump.

“Don’t do that.” I grumble as I grab my stuff and get ready to shower. Once I enter the room I can’t help but notice that my razor is no longer where I left it. “Good thing I didn’t plan to shave right now.” I shout, getting a chuckle from the other room in return.

Once I am showered and changed, I go back to the room, instantly spotting the others relaxing in various spaces. I shake my head in amusement – I called it and it came true just like most of my predications about this band – before putting my stuff away in my case and collapsing down onto my bed when I’m done.

I hear a movie being put on and shuffle up the bed until I can rest against the pillows as I turn my attention to whatever is playing. I nearly roll my eyes when I see the title but resist the urge – obviously Luke won since we get to watch ‘Mean Girls’. Yay...not.

I feel eyes on me and when I look up from my phone which I had been checking, I meet Michael eyes. I stick my tongue out at him getting a smile in return before turning my screen off and placing it on the side.

I look over to the others and seeing them chatting quietly, the movie only really being put on as background noise. I tune into the conversations when Luke asks a question that has been on my head since we got back.

“What was that earlier, Michael?”

“What was what?” Michael asks, feigning innocence but not being able to meet anyone’s eyes which indicates he knows exactly what Luke is on about.

“Would you like me to spell it out for you or are you going to admit you know what I’m on about?” Luke responds.

I yawn softly as Michael shrugs. Obviously he doesn’t want to talk about it, I’m curious but I’m not going to push him to answer. I roll onto my side and just relax, letting the fatigue of the day and lost hours of sleep last night catch up with me.

I tense slightly when I feel a hand run through my hair but relax into the touch when I realise who it is. Soon I let myself slip into unconsciousness, content to be surrounded by my friends and curled up close to a warm body.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day is a late start since it’s a day off so we all sleep in relatively late. I am surprisingly the last to wake up and the other seem to have gathered in our room again if the various voices are anything to go by.

I tighten my grip on whatever I am holding onto when I feel lips press gently against my temple, scrunching my eyes when they rest there for a second before retreating again.

I hear a soft chuckle before my hand is unwrapped from whatever I am holding onto and movement indicates someone is getting up off of the bed. I grumble and make a grab for the warmth that is escaping but I give up soon after and instead burrow into the sheets when I hear thebathroom door.

“Ash, it’s nearly half one.” I hear Calum laugh from somewhere across the room and sounds like he is on the move.

“I don’t care.” I grumble loud enough for him to hear before burrowing deeper. 

The bathroom door opens again not long after but I make no move to see who it is that is moving around so much. 

I feel the covers get lifted at the bottom before another body slides up next to me and joins me in the relative darkness provided by the duvet, wrapping himself as close to me as physically possible as I return the gesture.

“Oh god.” Luke groans. “Now you’ll never get them to move. Ashton, you traitor, you should be helping us to keep him away from the bed.”

I hear Em and Hayden laugh before the duvet is ripped away; I quickly hide my face against Michael’s shoulder. He giggles as he holds onto me tighter trying to help me hide.

“Leave them be, if they want to sleep together and do who knows what under that duvet then let them.” Hayden laughs.

“I’ll do who knows what to you in a minute.” Michael warns.

I whimper when he goes to move away and he quickly snuggles closer.

“If Ashton is up for sharing.” Hayden mumbles before he makes a disgruntled noise as he is hit in the face by a pillow thrown by Luke. “That was rude Lukester, I was just stating the obvious, no need to go mama Hemmings on me.” he grumbles, sticking his tongue out at Luke.

Michael giggles before lunging for the duvet and pulling it over us again and blocking all the light out once again. I hear Luke whine about trying to keep this band under control before Calum can be heard snickering away to himself when Hayden starts ribbing Luke again. I nuzzle my face into Mikey’s neck, feeling him hum contently.

When he makes a comment directed at Luke, I nip his collarbone in retaliation, not quite expecting the noise he makes as I instantly pull away and shove the blanket off, giving him a shocked look.

“What the fuck?” Calum laughs as Hayden giggles away to himself and Luke can’t seem to make his mind up whether he want to laugh or feel sorry for Michael.

Em sighs. “Boys, I’m pretty sure it is anyone’s first reaction to make a noise when they get bitten.”

I shoot her a look, wondering how she knew that I had bitten him but when I look back down to Michael next to me the red mark on his collarbone is a pretty good indicator so I keep quiet instead.

“Now, now Ashton. Whatever possessed you to bite your band mate after all that care and love he gave you yesterday?” Hayden asks in mock disappointment, smirk ever present.

I open my mouth to answer but nothing comes out, the attention suddenly being on me doesn’t help and eventually I can’t take it as I shove off the duvet and walk away from the situation and slam the connecting door, burying myself on the unused bed in the room.

It takes a few minutes of murmured discussion next door before the door is opened with a soft click and feet can be heard padding across the room. Instead of trying to make me talk to them, they instead curl up against me and wait it out.

“I didn’t know how to answer.” I mumble as I turn my head to face them and run my hand closest to them through their blonde locks.

“No one really blames you for walking away, the question was meant as a joke but I guess we were too curious that it became a real question in the end.” Luke mumbles as he leans into my hand, reminding me of a kitten in a weird way.

“I don’t know what is going on anymore Lukey, I thought I had it all worked out and in one simple action suddenly I’m not sure.” I whimper after a while.

“I know the feeling, trust me, I’ve been there. I met Hayd because of it but now you have three of us who know how you feel. I was so confused but after talking to someone who set it all straight I guess I finally understood it and it was just a matter of time before things fell into place once again.” He replies. “Michael doesn’t hate you if that’s what you think, for embarrassing him I mean. He wanted you to know that. If yesterday’s events are anything to go by then I don’t think he would care if you asked him to streak, he would do it for you. Hayden is right though – if you asked him to do something for you, I bet he would drop everything to do it.”

I groan as I remember that conversation, at the time it didn’t make sense but I guess now, after everything, it does kind of make sense. “What do I do Lukey?” I ask quietly as I continue playing with his hair.

“I could throw you into a compromising situation like Hayden did to me but I know that it would do you no good especially in light of recent events.” He replies as he runs his fingers gently over the bandage. “I think you already know what you want to do, Michael made the move and now the ball is in your court; it’s now up to you what you do with it.”

I huff; he is right no matter how much I don’t like to admit it. The ball is most certainly in my court now but I’m not sure what I want to do with it quite yet. Putting it off will solve nothing but I don’t know where to go from here, I just know that I now have people around me who get it, who’ve been there and will be there when I feel like giving up in whatever I am facing in life at that moment.

“You wanna go back now?” Luke asks tentatively.

“Fine but only because I know you’re pining after your boyfriend.” I reply, teasing him slightly.

“Damn right I am.” He replies, not bothered by my teasing.

He chuckle before shuffling off the bed and following him back to my room. He rushes quickly through the door and basically jumps Calum as soon as he is close enough. I roll my eyes at his antics and instead choose to attack Michael who is lounging on the bed and looking a little too comfortable right now. I land on him with everything I have before rolling away when he tries to grab me.

Hayden and Em join in by dog piling on top of me and Mikey and forming the weirdest group hug ever which just gets weirder when the other two jump on top of everyone.

“Okay guys, I’m going to die if you don’t get off.” I complain after a few minutes of being poked and prodded by limbs.

They all laugh before all that is left is Mikey laughing next to me, getting his breath back as well. I roll over and nuzzle into his neck once I have got most of my breath back, mumbling a “sorry” into his neck which gets me a tight embrace in return.

“I was never angry with you so you have nothing to be sorry for.” He replies before we all settle down again, deciding to order food and then watch movie’s for the rest of the night, not even caring that we had stayed in all day.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We don’t have to be up early the next day but Hayden and Em go out at 10 am to explore since they were getting a little antsy being cooped up with us for so long.

I went for a jog early this morning but other than that I have just been using the little time we have to relax before we are expected to be somewhere. I am sitting in Calum and Luke’s room with them since Mikey still wasn’t up last time I checked so I came in here as not to disturb him. I look up and smile when I see Calum walk up behind the chair Luke is in and kiss his head. Seeing them so casually being affectionate makes me wish I had that but I need to figure out what I want first. Calum send me a small smile before taking Luke’s empty cup away as he leaves.

“It's not a bad thing to admit that you want something, even something as small as company or affection every once in a while.” Luke’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

“It’s not that simple.” I reply, noting the sound of the door which means Michael is up.

“But it is that simple. You miss having someone to just lie with; I’ve seen the look on your face every time any of us interact with our partners. You have a chance now Ash, talk it over between the two of you if you have to, but don’t push him away because you’re scared.” He says as he watches Calum and Michael interact, laughing at them when they start to wrestle playfully. He turns his attention back to me before speaking again. “I was scared too but when it got too much I had you lot around who know me better than I know myself and helped me see the truth. You have us just like I had you lot, I can help you if you’re willing to try; both with this and anything else.” He stops there as his eyes land on my wrist. “You have us here, you can come to us when it gets too much...just remember that.”

I hum in confirmation that I’ve heard before tipping my head back against someone’s chest when I feel hands on my shoulders. “He knows Luke, he knows that we’re here but we can’t force him to come to us, we can just hope.” I feel Mikey’s voice rumble through his chest as I close my eyes contently, his hands massaging my shoulders as a mannerism.

“Kiss and make up you two, we have places to be and we don’t need any petty arguments following us around all day.” Calum speaks up.

“We weren’t arguing, I was just making sure he understood.” Michael replies before grabbing my hand and pulling me up.

Calum gives him a sceptical look but ceases to argue when I shoot him a look. Luke snickers at how easily Calum shut up but instantly does the same when I turn my glare on him.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Why did you kiss me Mikey?” I ask, watching Michael play on his phone where he lounges on his bed.

He pauses for second before answering. “It felt right in the moment. I was scared and when you made the promise I just did what felt right in response.” He stops, looking to where I lay; now staring at the ceiling, on my bed. “If you don’t want me near you now then I guess I deserve it since it was uncalled for.”

“If I had a problem with it, don’t you think I would have done something before now?” I reply. He stays quiet after that comment and I sigh. “I just wanted to know why you did it. I’m so confused and even a few answers can make it feel like I’m working out my problems.”

I hear him shift before he appears in my line of vision. “That’s what Luke was talking to you about then?” he mumbles as he settles next to me, drawing patterns on my chest but listening intently.

“Yeah, he’s been there and I guess he figured out what was going on with me.” I answer honestly.

“I guess I didn’t help you out any, huh?” he jokes. I stay quiet and I think he picks up on it as he falls quiet. “I started it.” He mumbles, more of a statement than a question.

“I was breaking down before but then you came along and were basically all over me and then you kissed me and I honestly didn’t know what to think after that...still don’t to be honest.”

He hums before asking quietly, “Does it bother you?”

“Not as much as I thought it would.” I answer honestly.

I watch his reaction but he gives nothing away. I sit up and turn slightly so that we are face to face. He watches me before seeming to catch on to what I’m doing.

“This won’t help.” He mumbles as he pushes me back from where I had leant in.

I sigh before getting up and pacing. “Nothing helps Mikey, I thought you would get that and I thought you would try to help me out when I was willing to give it a try.” I mumble, moving out of the way when he reaches for me. “I can’t do this.” I mutter to myself as I lock my eyes on him before turning away and walking away, grabbing something Calum left behind the last time he was here on the way out.

I pass Hayd and Em in the hall but rush past them and reach the elevator, taking it to the lobby and escaping out the back of the building. I lean back against the wall a distance from the door and look around. I see people by the fence in the distance but deem them too far away to recognise me.

I take Calum’s stuff out of my pocket and look it over. I know why I took his cigarettes on the way out the door but what would he say if he found out. I take a deep breath before taking one out and putting it between my lips, lighting the end before putting the pack back in my pocket. I take a few drags to get used to it but soon I find it easier to take a drag without coughing.

“Smoking is bad for you.” I hear a distinct New Zealand accent.

“You should know.” I reply as I take the cigarette away from my lips and turn my head to face him.

“You were doing good, what happened?” he speaks as he stands next to me, putting his hand out for me to hand over the pack.

I hand it over easily but keep the cigarette I have firmly away from him when he reaches for it. “I was willing to give it a try but he pushed me away.” I reply simply before taking another drag. “No doubt you already knew that though, probably ran to tell you as soon as I left. Hayd probably had a few assumptions too.”

He chuckles before nodding. “Yeah, I know what happened but only from his point of view and they always say there are 3 sides to every story – yours, his and the truth.”

“I asked him about the other day and we were talking and when he asked if it bothered me that it happened I thought I had a chance but when I went for it he pushed me away. I felt like a proper twat when he did that, said something along the lines of it not helping anything. I couldn’t take it so I walked away; I saw your cigarettes on the side and took them on the way out.”

He sighs as he looks out ahead of us. “You want to know what I think?” he continues when I hum. “I think he wants you to know for sure what you want before you try anything. He likes you, that is a fact, but he wants you to be certain that this is what you want; he doesn’t want you to do this because it would please him or because you feel like you have to. And I agree with him, you did what you thought was right but did you think about whether that was what you wanted?”

I finish the cigarette and throw it to the side. For a while it is silent as he keeps me company, my mind working to take in the information and work out if what he says is true. I push myself away from the wall after a while of thought.

“Putting it off won’t solve anything, like Luke said – the ball is in my court and it’s up to me what I do with it – well I am doing something with it and maybe now I know exactly what I am going to do.” Is all I say before entering the building and using the stairs to get to our floor. I need the time to myself for a second because I know I will be assaulted by questions.

When I enter mine and Michaels room I can hear the others next door, I take a deep breath and decide to get this over with. I grab gum before I go in there, knowing that if I don’t try to cover up my activity I will get the same lecture from Luke that Calum sat through nearly a year ago.

When I step through the door I am instantly pulled into someone’s arms. I am confused when I find Calum clinging onto me.

“Lukey is telling me off, Ashy” He whines.

“What’d you do?” I ask, trying not to laugh at how childish we can be.

“He shoved me in the shower fully clothed.” Luke complains.

“I don’t even know what to do with that information so please leave me out of it.” I reply as I unwrap myself from Calum.

I drop down into a seat next Hayd. “Lucky that wasn’t Lukester or you would be in for a lecture.”

I give him a curious look but catch on when he makes the sign for smoking. “I don’t think I cared when I did it but I’m glad it wasn’t now.”

I avoid Mikey’s gaze and turn my attention to the conversation. As I am joining the conversation, I don’t notice Mikey slip away and appear behind me, but as I am leaning forward another body slips into the seat behind me and wraps themselves around me.

I sigh and lean into the touch slightly but when I go to pull away he pulls me fully back into him so he can place his head against my neck.

“I suppose you don’t hate me then?” I mumble, seeing how the others are paying attention though trying not to appear to be doing so.

“Never did. Calum told you how it has to be and until then I’ll wait for you to work it out.” He replies.

I growl lowly. “What if I don’t want you to wait? What if I said right here right now that I want this, would you still push me away?”

He hums but says nothing as I feel him shift to look at something else and as I follow his gaze, I see Calum mouthing something to him and feel him nod softly. I sigh but let him pull me closer. My attention is caught by Hayd and Em who mouth something to each other, I watch them curiously before giving up and lying back against Michael and closing my eyes. Today has been a long day and I don’t even know what is going on but I just want the escape that sleep gives you.

The others seem to catch on that that is the end of it and go back to their own stuff but Michael turns his face back into my neck, nipping on a sensitive part –causing me to bite my lip – before whispering “Payback for earlier, but I’m not done with you.”

I groan lowly but make no move to stop him as he does as he pleases. Once I’ve had enough though I push back against him until there is no space between us and then escape his grip, making an excuse about being tired and leaving before he catches on.

I am just coming back from my shower when I am tackled down onto one of the beds. Michael keeps me pinned when I try to push him off.

“Did you think I didn’t know what you were doing? Riling me up and walking away is the biggest mistake you could ever make.” He growls.

“Well, I’m a little new to this; you might have to teach me.” I reply, taking an innocent facade knowing that it will affect him more.

He groans, straddling my hips and letting my hands go as he braces his arms either side of my head. “Oh, I’ll teach you a few things but I hope you learn your lesson. “He growls lowly into my ear as he leans close. “Even if you don’t I could always teach you all over again. I’d happily do it all over again and all you'd have to do is ask.” He continues, making me squirm. He knows exactly what he is doing to me but I don’t mind right now.

He sucks a few bruises into my neck, making sure they will all show tomorrow and a while after that, before getting around to whatever he has planned.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning I am up early, showered, dressed – making sure my shirt covers the bruises - and downstairs before any of the others. They greet me tiredly as they each come down for breakfast and join me in the secluded part of the restaurant area that is booked for us, I can’t help but laugh at how tired they look.

Michael is the last to appear, I tip my head back when I hear him approaching.

“Took you long enough.” I comment, smirking as he reaches the table but comes up behind me first.

He hums in agreement as he playfully taps my cheek. “I would have gotten here faster but somebody had to throw a few spanners in the works.” He replies, looking pointedly at me.

I chuckle, shrugging innocently as I sip my coffee and watch him take his seat from over the top of my cup.

The others look so confused but for now we are leaving them out of any information since I’m still figuring it all out and Michael is helping me so until everything is settled what we do is pretty innocent in front of the boys.

I guess they brush it off because other talk starts up and soon we are off to begin our day, then off to sound check before we do our last concert in this place. It has good memories but I know we’ll be back one day.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the show we are on the bus travelling to the next place, Hayden and Emily left early so they won’t get caught up in the crowds since Emily got freaked out last time so we are avoiding any accidents by getting them there earlier than us.

I lay on one of the couches in the backroom with my eyes closed just relaxing from the hype of the show finally wearing off, the lights are dimmed down anyway since its night time but nobody is too tired yet so we kept them on. I hear two of the others settle around the small room before the last presence enters the room and crouches next to me.

“You tired Ash?” Mikey asks quietly as he runs his fingers through my hair gently, the action is so relaxing that it feels like it will put me to sleep if he does it for too long.

“Mhmm” I hum, not really paying attention to he is saying, just the action.

He chuckles softly before leaning his head down to kiss my forehead, resting there for a second or two before moving away and reaching across to pull the blanket down off of the back of the sofa to cover me.

“I’ll take you to your bunk when we go to bed.” He promises before leaving me alone.

I curl up and snuggle into the back of the couch, feeling drained but not completely tired yet so I just rest listening to the others talking quietly and joking around while the TV plays quietly.

“I will never understand the dynamic between you two, I mean sometimes you act similar around each other as me and Cal – all affectionate and cuddly – but other times it’s like you have only just met – not meeting each other’s gaze and keeping a distance between you. There is middle ground, sure, but the way it switches so much is so confusing.” Luke comments.

“We’re working things out and that’s all you need to know.” Michael answers simply which gets a huff out of Luke and a snort from Calum.

“’Working things out’ my ass, I doubt you two even know what is going on.” Calum retorts.

“Maybe not, but I know enough and I will not push for more because this is not about me.” Michael replies before I feel eyes on me. “I’ve lost too much by asking for more so I’m going to wait this one out, I can’t lose him Calum, not this time.”

I hear a sigh before it goes quiet for a while. We all know that Mikey has had a few failed relationships and so many more times where he has ended up hurt by people because they don’t see what he has to offer.

I sigh stretching out more, which moves my shirt around and pulls it down in areas but I pay it no attention as I get comfortable. It’s only as I am settling down that I hear someone choke on their drink.

“What the fuck is that on Ashton neck?” Calum exclaims which causes me to tense.

I roll over and sit up, adjusting my shirt as I go. “None of your business is what it is.” I snap, embarrassed that Calum is the one that saw it out of everyone possible.

I watch him carefully as he hands Luke his drink, and moves towards me. When he gets closer he starts to smirk.

“Oh, it’s definitely my business when it’s one of my best friends and band mates involved. Now fess us Irwin, who has had the pleasure of marking you up recently?”

I can’t look at him so I focus on the television behind him.  Michael watches me carefully before deciding to get Calum’s attention off of me. “Leave him alone, at least he is getting some. I doubt Luke is giving out any, so why should the rest of us have to suffer blue balls.”

Calum gives him a scandalised look before darting at me. I try to fight him off as he pushes me back so I am lying again but he won’t let up and eventually I can’t keep him away as he tries to search for more. As Calum gets a hold of the bottom of my shirt to pull it off, he stops as Michael speaks once again.

“Take that shirt off him and I will throw your precious cigarettes out the window.” He growls.

Calum looks over his shoulder and I quickly push him away and move away and behind Mikey, using him as a barrier between me and cal.

“Why are you getting protective Mikey? It’s not like you don’t get the same thing every time you’re spotted with a bruise.” Luke interrupts the stare off between Mikey and Cal

“Or hickey.” Calum adds.

“Maybe I know who did them and I have been trusted to keep quiet.” He retorts.

Suddenly Calum smirks. “You said ‘them’ so there are more...now I really wanna know.”

Michael tenses, ready to fly to my defence again but I put my hand on his upper arm.

“Michael, that’s enough.” He looks back to me but relaxes slightly, allowing me to pull him to sit down next to me when I sit. “I get it Calum, I did this to you once so this is your payback but I really don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m tired and so are you three so if you’re still curious you can ask in the morning and if you go about it the right way then I might tell you, if I am comfortable enough, but for now please let it go. Please Calum.”

He grumbles but agrees, pulling Luke up and along with him on his way to his bunk. I slouch back into the cushions as I sigh deeply.

“You shouldn’t _have_ to tell them, they should respect your privacy.” Michael grumbles.

I roll my eyes before pulling him towards me as I run my fingers through his hair much like he did to me earlier.

“Maybe not but isn’t that how our band is – no secrets and no privacy anywhere in sight. I’ve probably seen more of you three boys than I have any of my other friends, and you know what I mean by that.” This gets a giggle out of him which is muffled when I lean down and connect our lips softly. “C’mon you, you’re only tetchy when you’re tired so let’s go.” I mumble when I pull back, avoiding all of his effort to pull me back in to reconnect our lips.

He whines and complains but eventually I get him to go and after cleaning up a bit, I go to bed too, worn out but content.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ashton Fletcher Irwin, wake your ass up. You promised me information so get up and inform me.” Calum shouts from the kitchen area, as loud as he can knowing it will definitely wake me up as it’s only a small space.

I groan and pointedly ignore him, chuckling when I hear Michael reply to him.

“He didn’t promise you shit, now shut up and mind your own business.”

Just when I think he has gone I feel hands pull me backwards and out of the bunk. I hit the ground pretty hard and groan painfully as quick footsteps can be heard.

“What the fuck Calum? Just cause he didn’t want to get up doesn’t mean you try and break his back. Luke, control your boyfriend or I will throw him off the bus, best mate or not.” Michael growls as he helps me up and checks me over.

I shoo him away once I have recovered from the shock of it all and get them to go away so I can change. Once I am washed, shaved and dressed, I grab something to eat before dropping down beside Luke on a couch in the backroom.

“Rude awakening over, what do you want?” I sigh.

“Where’d you get the hickeys?” is his immediate question.

“Well Calum, when two people love each other-“ I start slowly, getting a laugh out of the other 2 when they realise what I am doing but Calum is not impressed as he interrupts me.

“I know all that stuff.” He grumbles. “Fine, how many do you have?”

“Haven’t counted to be honest.” I answer as I sip from Mikey’s cup of coffee, he doesn’t seem to mind so I deem it safe to get away with.

“Take your shirt off, I will count for you.” He says immediately.

Before I get a chance to reply, Michael takes his coffee cup back and speaks after sipping. “17.” Calum and Luke immediately look to him. “There were 18 but one didn’t last very long.”

“And how would you know?” Luke asks, smirking.

“I shared a room with him so I saw him the next morning. Had enough time to count before he realised I was awake.” He replies. I am curious how he knew the exact number but I wouldn’t put it past him to have counted while he put them there.

“Okay then, that didn’t answer who did it though.” Calum speaks after a while.

“You never asked.” Michael points out with a smirk.

“Calum, I know I said I would let you know some stuff but I think I deserve some privacy here. I don’t want to tell you who it was; you can ask anything but that.” I mumble, loud enough that it gets his attention.

He looks downcast but agrees. “Fine can we play a game then?” he pauses before continuing when we give him confused looks. “Well we hit heavy traffic so we still have quite a way to go...so I thought we could play never have I ever to pass the time.”

“Fine.” I sigh, the other two nodding begrudgingly.

“I start because I proposed the idea. Start off easy... never have I ever kissed a band mate sober on more than one occasion.”

Calum and Luke put their hands up straight away and Michael is next, I sigh before raising mine.

“So none of us are that straight then.” Calum jokes.

“I guess not.” I reply before its Luke’s turn.

“Never have I ever been papped leaving someone’s house the morning after.”

Calum sends him a half hearted glare before raising his hand, his being the only one. He grumbles when he realises this but speaks up to explain before any of us get a chance to ask.

“It was one time and the photos were quickly taken down.”

Luke giggles before leaning over and kissing his cheek. “Just teasing you.”

With a shrug we continue the game, each person taking a turn to say something and I raise my hand whenever one of theirs applied to me but not paying too much attention since most of them were known facts.

When it is Luke’s turn once again, I can’t help but choke on the drink I was sipping from. “Never have I ever hid my sexuality and/or relationship from my best friends.”

Michael, who had swapped places with Luke over the course of game and is now sitting next to me, pats my back as I recover from my coughing fit, before I speak again. “I...erm...I need a break.” I say quickly before getting up and heading towards the front of the bus.

I brace myself against the counter before I hear feet padding closer to my location.

“What was that all about?” Luke asks carefully.

“It’s nothing, I needed a break.” I dismiss him quickly but do not turn around knowing that if I did I would not be able to lie to his face.

“That was not nothing Ash.” He retorts. “I hit a nerve with that one; I have to have considering how you reacted.”

I huff but give him no actual response as I pass him again and curl up on the sofa in the back room again. Luke follows me but I pay him no attention as I avoid looking at Calum and Luke. My eyes catch Michael shifting, trying to decide if he wants to intervene or pretend he has no idea but when his eyes meet mine I shake my head. He sighs before nodding to show that he will stay.

“Which did you hide, your relationship or your sexuality?” Luke probes for information now he knows that he is spot on with his assumptions.

I contemplate pretending I don’t hear him but eventually decide that I can’t hide forever. “Technically both.” I mumble.

“Why? You know that it would have no affect on our friendship so why hide?” Calum joins in now.

I sit up and keep my eyes on my hands which nervously fiddle in my lap. “I hid my sexuality because...I wanted to pretend that everything was the same, even if it only lasted for a little while. You reminding me of the hickies kind of burst my bubble but I’m working on it and that’s more than I could have said a week ago.”

“What about your relationship? You’re obviously in one, what with the hickies and everything.” Luke speaks again.

Michael looks away completely at this and I feel like I’m in this on my own again. “It’s not official, never was.”

“So you hooked up with this person, and now there is nothing going on?” Luke asks carefully.

“We didn’t have...we messed around one night which is how I got these but that’s it. Other than that it is a little...strained.” I reply, noting that Michael is listening but refusing to look my way.

“Ash...”Calum starts but trails off when it becomes obvious that he doesn’t know how to continue.

“You let them use you basically.” Luke states.

Michael clenches his fist at that and I see Calum’s eyes dart to the movement. “I don’t think they used him, I think they are holding back because they don’t know what they can and can’t do in regards to building a relationship.” Calum speaks though his eyes stay glued to Mikey’s fist.

I shrug as I lean back, subconsciously rubbing over one of the bruises hidden under my shirt. Michael’s eyes follow the movement and the corners of his mouth turn up when he realises that I find comfort in the marks. His fingers twitch before he gets up and moves across the small space to curl up against me and nuzzle into the side of my neck.

The bus has stopped by now but we don’t have anywhere to be so we stay put. As we sit quietly, just taking in the information that has just been revealed, Hayd and Emily make an appearance. Luke fills them in before turning back to me.

His eyes watch my hand on my shirt before he mumbles. “What about them makes you feel comfortable?”

I look up to him before I go back to watching the movement. “What about what?”

Hayden is watching me, giving me a once over as he takes in the hickies that are visible before he speaks for me. “The visible ones would be in the moment, no real meaning but just to show the other and anyone they meet that they are taken and, on a more personal note, who they belong to. The hidden ones have a completely different meaning to you though, don’t they Ash?”

I lean my head back but tilt it so my cheek rests against Mikey’s head, as I think over the statement. I nod to confirm it before moving my hand away from the hidden bruises and instead trace patterns on Michael’s thigh, his head shifting so he can watch.

“Ashton.” Emily addresses me by my full name, causing me to look over to her immediately. “Take the shirt off.”

I raise an eyebrow in confusion but shake Mikey off as I sit forward and pull the shirt over my head. As I look down I can’t help the small smile that comes onto my face as I remember the words spoken when some of these were placed on my skin.

Michael pulls me back again, tucking himself closer to my side as a form of comfort when I feel the others analysing the sight, the pure number of bruises that have been bitten into my chest and stomach.

“Do they go below the hips?” Hayden asks curiously.

I watch Michaels hand when it shifts subconsciously to rub over the one of my inner thigh. “Yeah, only two though.”

“Michael, what does the one on his thigh mean?” Hayden asks without missing a beat, throwing us all off but my attention darts back to Emily when she moves closer and tips my head forward.

“Did you know you have one at the base of your neck, at the back?” she asks.

I shake my head before looking back to Michael as he thinks over Hayd’s question.

“Safety.” He finally mumbles. Instantly it goes quiet as the other two boys register that he knows what they mean to me. “It means safety.” He repeats as he rests his mouth against my shoulder.

“You hooked up behind our backs, hid it from us all along?” Luke splutters.

“No.” Emily answers before either of us can. “I am a nurse and know all about anatomy so believe me when I say that if they had had intercourse then one of them would still be tender. No this was not about sex, it was about showing each other that they cared and that they wouldn’t let anything happen to them. It’s what Micheal has been trying to do for over a week now.” She runs her finger through my hair. “Ashton teased him but Michael didn’t take advantage of him. He was making sure Ash knew that if he wanted to give it a go then Mikey would look after him.”

I feel Mikey hum in confirmation before he shifts away pull his shirt up enough to show the space around where his heart is, in the middle of his chest is a bruise – not quite as prominent as the ones on me but still visible.

He points to it before looking to me. “Acceptance.” He smiles.

The others slowly catch up before bursting out in smiles of their own. Michael snuggles back into my side after pulling his shirt back down but not letting me put mine back on as he runs his fingers over the love bite directly over my heart.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We’re in the hotel after the show when Michael mentions it again.

“I didn’t know that a hickey could have a meaning until I was doing this with you.” He mumbles as he lays his head on my chest.

I hum in agreement before shifting so that I am lying on my side while he lies on his back next to me. I watch him for a moment before leaning down and connecting our lips. Its stays innocent but after a while I feel Michael run his tongue gently over my bottom lip. I keep my mouth shut which makes him growl before pushing me back and straddling me. He keeps kissing me but I feel one of his hands run down my chest and when it gets close to where I need him most, I gasp in anticipation and he uses this to his advantage and starts exploring my mouth. When I go to pull him closer, he grabs my wrists and pins them above my head with one hand causing a breathless moan to escape my mouth as he moves down to my neck, kissing over the bruises and soothing them with his tongue when he applies too much pressure.

I faintly register the door clicking but that is the least of my worries as Michael returns to my lips and gives me the opportunity to explore his mouth. My hips rut up against him in reaction when I hear him let out a deep groan. Just when his hands start going under my shirt, I hear the connecting door get opened then slammed shut quickly after.

Michael grumbles before reluctantly pulling away completely and settling down next to me, but I quickly turn onto my front when I hear a laugh from next door that gets closer to the door. Michael adjusts his position to hide his face against my neck, kissing gently over a few spots before settling with his mouth against my skin and his breath ghosting over a certain spot. My left arm is wrapped around his side as he has his right arm across my back with his hand up my shirt and flat against my back. But he uses his left arm to keep himself propped up slightly and to allow him to rest his head in that space at the right angle.

The door is pushed open softly before voices enter our room; Hayden’s laugh is quite evident as he presumably laughs at the misfortune of whoever tried to enter a few minutes ago.

“That’s what you get for not knocking on doors.” Em giggles along.

Michael groans and shuffles closer but otherwise is content to rest against me. I fist his shirt as I try to bring him closer but there is no space left between us anyway so I just leave my hand wrapped in his shirt.

“Having fun were we boys?” Hayden laughs when Michael grumbles a few choice words into my neck.

I turn my head and nudge Michal away as I turn on to my side slightly so I can put my face into his neck; he happily lets me do so as he wraps his arms around me.

“Even when they aren’t doing anything, they’re cute.” Emily comments, getting a scoff from one of the others.

“You wouldn’t have said that if it was you that opened the door just now. That was nowhere near cute.” Luke grumbles.

“Luke, we don’t comment about your sexcapades, so shut up about ours.” Michael growls.

I roll my eyes as I ghost my lips over his neck and collar bones softly until I hear his breath hitch. When I do hear it, I set about making a mark of my own leaving him subtly squirming and holding back whimpers.

“You alright there Mikey?” Calum asks, although you can hear poorly held back laughter in his voice.

The TV has now been switched on but Calum was obviously preoccupied watching Michael squirm.

“Mh-hm-m” he answers brokenly as he tries to bring me away from his neck.

I nip over the forming bruise for good measure before moving away completely and wandering to the bathroom. When I come back I settle down next to Luke on the other bed but note Michael adjusting his shirt every few minutes.

When there is a lull in interesting TV, the attention goes back to earliers mishap.

“Whatever you walked in on was obviously intimate if you wouldn’t let us open the door for a few minutes after.” Calum comments, his comment directed at Luke though.

“Yeah, something like that.” Luke replies as his eyes meet mine.

“Come on Luke, we want details. Don’t leave us hanging bro.” Hayden whines as Em bats at him.

I can’t look Luke in the eye this time when he looks my way so he turns his sights to Michael who motions to wait a minute.

“Ash, if you don’t want him to say anything then he won’t. I don’t mind.” He says softly.

“It’s fine. I’m going to go for fresh air anyway.” I reply as I get up.

I go to the dresser in the room to get my phone but I see Calum’s cigarettes on there too. Peeking over my shoulder, I see everyone but Calum making small talk while I grab my stuff. As I meet his eyes he sees what I had been eyeing up before shaking his head subtlety. I sigh before taking my phone and leaving.

As I stand out the back of the hotel, by the back door, I see one of the hotel workers smoking nearby. When he sees me watching, he smiles tiredly and offers me one.

“Thanks.” I mumble as I take one and light it with the lighter he also offers when he realises I don’t have one on me; giving him the lighter and pack back after.

“Its fine, we all have our days.” He replies, before finishing his cigarette. He bids me goodbye before walking back to the door. He pauses before turning back once his reaches the door. “Hey kid, I have more inside. You look like you need them more so...keep ‘em” He says so I can hear him before throwing me the pack containing the lighter.

I shoot him a thankful look before he is gone. I slide down to sit on the ground with my back against the wall before taking my cigarette back between my lips to take a drag. I take a few drags from my cigarette before looking down when my phone vibrates in my lap.

 ** _CAL-PAL ~_** _You coming back up soon?_

I take another drag as I think over how to answer. Quickly I type a response before waiting for a reply which comes almost instantly like he was waiting for my reply.

 **_ ASH ~ _ ** _I’ll be up soon, give me a minute._

 **_ CAL-PAL ~ _ ** _You better not be smoking or I will personally kick your ass round this hotel._

I sigh, before replying to his “threat”.

 **_ ASH~ _ ** _What I do has no effect on you so I don’t see the problem._

 **_ ASH ~ _ ** _I’ll be up in a minute. End of._

I know that he want to keep me from getting harassed by the fans if they found out but sometimes I need the escape and if this is how I get my escape then they should mind their own business.

I finish the cigarette before disposing of the butt in a nearby bin. I dust myself off before pocketing my phone and the pack of cigarettes, once I have everything I make my way back to the room.

I take a deep breath as I arrive outside my door, running my hand through my hair, before entering. Immediately I feel Calum’s eyes assessing me, presumably looking for something.

I wave to the rest as a greeting as I pass them and then drop down onto my bed.

“Took you a while.” Luke comments from nearby before dropping next to me. “You smell like smoke.” He wrinkles his nose before sitting up again and giving me a judgemental look. “Why?”

“One of the kitchen crew was out there so I was talking to him; he was smoking so I guess it got on me from that.” I half lie; it’s not that I want to hide it from them considering Calum already knows, I just don’t want to deal with the lecture just yet.

Calum shake his head but makes no comment, Luke nods disbelievingly but also doesn’t comment. Michael snorts a laugh before jumping on top of both of us. I giggle at his antics before digging my phone out of my pocket to scroll through twitter.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hayd and Em went back to their room a while ago and Luke and Michael started to play Fifa to pass the time. Calum disappeared back to his room but I look up when he enters again.

He pinpoints my position in the room before starting to question me in front of the other two.

“What was that about earlier? You were taking too long so of course I presumed, but was your comment necessary?”

I groan. “I’d say so. Not everything you think happens does actually take place.”

The other two have now stopped playing and are watching our exchange. “Look Ashton, I can deal with you keeping it hidden away from them.” He motions to Luke and Michael who suddenly take a whole new interest in the conversation at the mention of them. “But when I know and you still lie, both through text and to my face – that is a whole new level.” He growls.

“Thing is, you didn’t ask. You just said that if I was, you were going to kick my ass round the hotel. You think I was going to sit back and let you threaten me?” I shoot back.

“Ash, what is he on about?” Luke asks carefully.

Michael also tries to ask but Calum storms over to the dresser and picks up his pack. “Mine have been here the whole time, I checked so I know they were, but somehow you still come in smelling like an ashtray and we both know your little story is not 100% true.”

“He was smoking.” I reply.

“Where’d you get it?” Calum growls as he stalks closer, angrier than I thought he would be.

“Cal-“He cuts me off.

“You stopped but now you’re going behind our backs. I could deal with once because you flipped the other day but when there is no reason, that’s when it changes the whole situation.” He states. “Now tell me now, and don’t you dare lie, where did you get it?”

Luke seems to piece it all together then, the whole deal of Calum talking about his pack and the story I told earlier. “You were smoking.” He states quietly.

“It was one; the guy gave it to me anyway.” I reply before lying back on the mattress.

Michael whines sadly as if he feels my disappointment in myself before he appears quickly and pulls me back up and against his chest as he straddles my lap. “No sad thoughts.” He mumbles in my ear before shifting to get comfortable.

He settles before freezing and shifting back to dig through my pocket. I make no attempt to stop him when I realise what he felt and is now trying to grab. Finally he grabs them and pulls the pack out of my pocket.

“You said one. That is a whole pack.” Calum’s speaks, his tone sounding dangerous.

“I only had one. He gave me the pack; I don’t know how many he has already taken out so I can’t vouch for the number in the pack.” I reply.

I take the pack out of Michael hand and turn it over in my hands, reminiscing old memories.

“Why did you start smoking?” Luke asks carefully, eyes honed in on the pack, watching to see what I do with it.

“When I stopped cutting the first time, I needed another way to get an escape, another way to de-stress so I started trying different stuff. I smoked when I felt like giving in to the urge to cut and it helped but then I eventually quit that too before I got addicted to them.” I say as I focus on the pack. “Calum found out a while back when he found me smoking with some of the crew but said he wouldn’t tell you because this was my problem to sort out. The other day I flipped and took his pack, I needed to feel that escape again so I wouldn’t focus on my freak out so I took one.”

“And just now?” Michael prompts from where he has moved next to me.

“The guy was smoking and I guess he saw something in me that gave away my internal battle and he offered me one. Temptation got the best of me and I took it, when he left he gave me the pack saying I needed them more than him. Maybe I did want them but I know that having them would drive me insane, I needed them but only in that moment.”

Calum sighs before taking the pack out of my hands and leaving the room, presumably taking them far from me and disposing of them. Luke stays quiet for a few seconds before looking back to me.

“I get it. We all need an escape but no more. You can talk to us, even if it’s about how awkward you feel about something one of us has seen like earlier. Hell, you have Mikey and he would happily let you use him to distract yourself.” He laughs at the end.

“I’m at your service when you need me; we agreed this a long time ago. I don’t mind helping you out when you need a distraction or two.” Michael confirms with a smile

I roll my eyes at him before nodding to Luke who turns back to the game and changes the settings. When he notices me watching him, he sends me a smile before nodding towards Michael, mouthing “Go for it.”

Calum walks back in at that moments and starts begging to play with Luke. I smile at them before looking over to where Michael has moved to lay on the bed properly with his head on the pillows, he is scrolling through something on his phone. As I think over Luke’s words, it makes sense now. I look back towards Luke who nods before him and Calum turn their attention to the game, their backs to us.

I kick my shoes off before crawling over the bed to Michael, taking his phone off of him and throwing it to the other bed. He goes to complain but I shut him up quickly as I connect our lips. I straddle his hips, but as I go to deepen the kiss he pulls away. He takes my hands in his before shaking his head and motioning to the other two, obviously still thinking about what happened earlier. I huff but lean down again and connect our lips again, trying to convince him to continue but he pulls back again.

When he again shakes his head and motions to the other two, I give up and move away again. I get off the bed and move to sit with the other two.

Luke seems confused why I joined them but I just tip my head back and stare at the ceiling.

“Michael, I’m pretty sure Luke already saw worse so I don’t think that you two kissing would kill either of us. Plus, Luke already told your boy to go for it but you’re not playing along.” Calum directs his talk to Michael although his eyes stay on the screen.

“It’s weird. I don’t want it to be awkward for you two.” Michael replies as he sits up on the edge of the bed.

“The only reason that we haven’t done this to either of you is because we wanted you two to figure this out without having our relationship shoved in your faces. It would awkward if it was Hayd or Em  here with us right now because they arent used to us and the fact that we have literally no boundaries, but its just Luke and I don’t care. It’s bound to be the opposite way round at some point so it’s fair.” Calum answers without missing a beat or messing up on the game.

Michael still looks unsure so I make no attempt to move. Eventually Luke pauses the game and pulls me up. “You said you wanted an escape but Michael doesn’t realise what you want, he thinks this is just for the hell of it. I know you can win him over, do whatever you want, okay? Me and Cal don’t mind, we both know that this can help you.” He mumbles in my ear before pulling back to look me in the eyes, Calum watches him and nods to me as if he knows what Luke is saying, and Michael looks confused but does not talk. With a small smile he leans closer to my ear again. “Have your escape Ash, just don’t get too heated, innocent eyes don’t need to see some of the shit Mikey can do.”

His comment makes me smile, before I nod and join Mikey on the bed again, Luke going back to the game with Cal.

I lie back against the pillows and reach out towards Michael. He grumbles half-heartedly but leans down enough that I can bring him into a kiss. When he goes to pull away, I mumble a broken “Please Mikey.”

He pulls back and looks me in the eyes, his eyes dart to the other two but I get his attention again with a soft whimper. He seems to find something in my eyes and realisation dawns on his face before moves himself closer, leaning over so that we are chest to chest instead now and reconnecting our lips in a heavier kiss than before.

I wrap my arms around his neck and bring him closer, savouring the feeling before he pulls away and kisses my neck slightly in a path leading to my ear where he speaks softly, so quiet that I’m positive that the other two cannot hear him.

“Tell me what you want; say the words and you can have whatever.”

I don’t answer him though as I pull him closer and back into a kiss before he gets the hint and straddles my lap. I let him explore my mouth as I run my hands over his thighs, gripping them when I feel him nip at my bottom lip which gets a softly groan out of him and a choked whimper out of me. With that I pull away and wrap my arms around him, nuzzling against his neck, just wanting to feel close. I can feel his heartbeat against my chest and one of his hands rubbing circles on my hip where it has crept up my shirt again – the other hand is supporting his weight so he doesn’t squash me I guess.

“I’m right here Ash, I’m not going anywhere.” He mumbles as he kisses the side of my head and rests as comfortably as he can while I still have a tight grip on him.

I hear one of the others start to shift but I stay wrapped around Mikey, having him this close helping to calm my nerves.

“You two can sleep on my bed if you don’t feel like going to your room. I’m staying here so I know he is going to be alright.” Michael speaks to the other two, his voice rumbling through his chest.

I hear them shift before the other bed creeks indicating someone is on it. I take a deep breath before loosening my grip so that Mikey can move and he takes the cue as he settles next to me but keeps me wrapped in his arms as he settles into a slumber and soon I am the only one awake. I have to wake Mikey up after a while so that he can change, or in his case take everything but his boxers off, I also change into sweats and a baggy t-shirt but soon he is asleep again and I am again the only one awake

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its a few hours later and I am watching the night pass through the balcony doors, it’s peaceful this time of night.

I don’t jump as I feel arms wrap around me, recognising the touch after the amount of times it’s happened.

“He won’t leave you Ash.” Calum mumbles. “He knows that you find it hard and it’s why he hesitates, but he wants you to know he is there.”

“I know.” I reply lowly, glancing back to where he lays on his back, his arm stretched out towards where I should be.

Everything is peaceful but my mind, that is still going and I can’t stop it. It’s frustrating and tiring all at once and it’s why I am up most of nights. Calum has stayed up with me before to give me company but it takes a toll on him so I stopped hanging around certain places – I locked myself in my room and suffered in silence so that the boys could sleep without having to deal with my problems.

“Stop thinking; focus your mind on something even if it’s just the silence.” He tries.

“It’s not that easy Calum – if I could shut it up for a while then I would but it never ceases and I’m tired Calum, so tired but it still won’t shut up.” I reply as I focus on the night again, a little more sharply than intended but it got my point across.

“Ash?” I hear a tired voice mumble.

I sigh before turning back, shaking Calum’s arms of me as I wander closer to the bed and sit on the edge near Mikey, sitting forward to lean my elbows on my knees.

“I’m here. Go back to sleep.” I mumble as I feel him fist his hand in my shirt.

“No, I’ll stay up with you however long it takes for whatever it is going on to stop.” He replies as he sits up and pulls me sideways into his chest.

My eyes focus back on Calum who gives us a nod before getting back into bed with Luke and settling down. Michael rests his cheek against my head and his quiet breaths are all I can hear for a while. Just when I think he isn’t going to say anything he moves away and gets up off the bed, pulling on some basketball shorts to cover his underwear and throwing on a hoodie over his bare chest before grabbing my hand and leading me out. He walks with me for a while until we enter the indoor pool area before sitting against the wall facing the water.

“Why’d you bring me here?” I ask quietly though it sounds loud in the large room.

“When my mind won’t shut up, I always found that watching the water back home calmed me and my mind down. We don’t have a sea anywhere close to here and I am not exactly wearing shoes to go outside but we have this. I’m not saying it will work for everyone but you can give it a go.” He replies as his eyes watch the light dancing around in the water from the in-pool lights.

I look over to the pool and I get why he likes it. The way the light dances on the water is mesmerising but I am still not sure this is enough.

“What was your mind telling you to do?” he asks after watching me for a while.

I jolt but quickly recover. “To do something, anything to feel again.” I pause. “I felt numb and wanted to feel, to escape but I know I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?”

“Cutting would hurt you and the boys more than it would me, but I don’t want any of you to hurt.” I look back at him then, getting a kiss on the cheek before he nods for me to continue. “Calum would kill me if I took another cigarette, after earlier and how close I was to sinking back into shit like that...I can’t do it again; I’d never stop if I let myself start again.”

“Hey, I get it. We’ve all had addictions to things that we can’t go back to.” He reassures me when I choke on tears. “Why didn’t you come to me?”

“You shouldn’t have to sit with me all night so I don’t tear my wrists apart. You have other things to do and need the sleep.”

“Maybe sleep is important, but you’re more important to me. I am here too, like Luke said, you could wake me up at the weirdest times of the night but I will help you because I know you need me just as much as I need you to be safe.” He responds.

I sigh but let what he said sink in. Michael is portrayed as somebody who would kill you for waking him up but in reality he is the opposite – unless it’s for a stupid reason, then he’ll kill you – but if its serious then he will be up with you all night if need be.

“I know that but it’s hard to adjust to having somebody there when I’ve been doing this alone for a long time.”

“But you’re not alone anymore. You’ve had different escapes in the past but I can be anything you want me to be because I care about you so damn much. Thinking about you crying yourself to sleep or hurting yourself on purpose, kills me because I feel like I didn’t do enough to stop it.” He mumbles desperately

I turn away from the water completely then, watching him as tears stream down his cheeks. I reach out to wipe them away but he catches my hand and kisses each of my knuckles individually.

“Ashton, let me in, give me a chance to prove that together we can get through this.” He whimpers as he moves closer so we are face to face.

I study his face and eyes for any sign of deception before leaning forward when I find none, connecting our lips. I pull back to lean my forehead against his, watching our hands as I link our fingers.

“Ok, I trust you.” I whisper.

With that he leans forward and connects our lips in deep meaningful kiss. When he pulls back, the smile on his face is contagious and I can feel the smile creep onto my face. As we relax and catch our breaths, recovering from our moment, I feel a wave of fatigue catch up with me as I stifle a yawn.

Michael, who is leaning his head back against the wall behind us, rolls his head to look at me before chuckling softly. “C’mon you, we have an early start so we should be going back to bed if we hope to make it.”

I huff half-heartedly but make no complaints when he pulls me up and we start our trek back to the room. We enter the room quietly and take off everything but our boxers before climbing into bed and curling up together, quickly falling asleep to the sound of each other’s calm breathing and the other two’s soft snores.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I slam my hand down on the alarm when it starts to blare, burying myself further into the duvet, still tired from my night. I hear Calum and Luke get up and go next door to get ready before they are back.

“Oh come on, Ashton, you’re usually all cheery and awake in the morning.” Luke whines when he sees me still firmly wrapped in both Michael’s arms and the duvet.

Michael is still softly snoring in my ear having no idea that the alarm went off considering how fast I reacted to it.

“Ashton Irwin, get out of bed this minute. You’re usually the one that is hurrying us up now it’s the opposite, what has gotten into you this morning.” Calum speaks, sounding more like a parent than a best friend.

Luke suddenly smirks and I groan when I realise what he is going to say.

“Yeah Ash, what's gotten into you? Did Mikey tire you out last night? I have to say, you two are pretty good at doing it quietly if that's the case.”

“You wish that was it.” I grumble before turning over and starting to wake Mikey.

He grumbles when he feels me nudge him but goes quiet when I peck his lips. He wraps his arms around me when I pull away and I go willingly when he pulls me back in. Eventually he pulls back and sits up, rubbing his eyes and running a hand through his hair.

“I like this wakeup call better than the alarm.” He mumbles, his voice quite raspy this morning.

Luke and Calum laugh as they pick up our clothes from last night and put them with our other dirty clothes.

“Well Ashton slammed the alarm so hard when it went off we thought he was going to break it.” Calum replies.

“Good, they deserve to be broken when they disturb our sleep.” Michael shoots back as he pushes the duvet away from his body.

“Michael Clifford, you better have something on under there because I do not need to see your junk this early in the morning.” Luke states as he watches Michael making a move to get up.

“No but you’ll happily see Calum’s junk this early in the morning.” I comment, giving him a cheeky smile.

“He’s my boyfriend, it’s different.” Luke whines, before pouting at Calum. “They’re being mean to me.”

Calum rolls his eyes at his boyfriend’s dramatics but pulls him into his side nonetheless, before turning his attention to us. “You have 10 minutes to be showered, dressed and downstairs before our tour manager comes up here. I’d hurry up if I were you.”

Michael and I nod before they leave, we grab our clothes and decide we haven’t got time to do two showers so we share, before getting ready and running for the elevator. Once the doors open to the lobby we run until we reach Calum and Luke, who look like they’re timing us, dumping our bags on the floor next to theirs.

“7 minutes and 50 seconds. Not bad.” Calum comments as our tour manager makes an appearance and we are off to whatever is planned today.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We arrived at the venue early so we have time to do whatever for a while. Michael is off finding food while the rest of us hang around in the dressing room.  We’re all scrolling though twitter when I spot a tweet –

 **“@HukeLemmings –** _Who misses the 5sos twitcams? They were so funny; too bad they will never do another one... ;(_

I sit up quickly and swivel round to face the other two.

“Boys, what do you say we do a twitcam? We have time and the fans miss them...”

Calum and Luke look to each other before shrugging. “Sure, why not.”

We wait for Mikey to come back before verifying it with him. He brings us back some snacks, happily agreeing to the twitcam as he grabs his laptop. Once everything is set up, we spend 5 minutes making sure that everyone can hear us before we properly start.

“”Who is most likely to be caught sneaking into the indoor pool at the hotel after hours?” That would probably be me or Ash. If we haven’t had chance to go to the gym, we usually swim laps so...”Calum trails off.

“I think Mikey would do it, just for the laughs.” Luke comments.

“Shut up Luke.” Michael responds.

I tip my head back against Luke’s lap, as I watch them answer other questions. We’re doing our usual set up – with me on the floor and the other three on the sofa behind me.  Calum is on the left of me and Mikey is on my right with Luke directly behind me.

“”Who is your fav in the band? “Umm...probably Ash because he doesn’t cause any arguments, and he is always up for anything, whatever time, night or day.” Luke talks as he runs his fingers through my hair.

“I think we would all say Ash because he looks out for us and is probably the only one who can settle our stupid arguments and put up with us.” Calum says as Michael nods to agree.

“I can't pick one because they each have their own little quirks that make them fun to be around at different times, I hate this question because I can't actually pick one without feeling bad for not picking one of the others.” I pout getting a chuckle from the boys.

““Have you boys ever had groupies?” Come on guys, this is meant to be fun, please don’t start up anything.” Michael pleads.

“As much as we hate this question, I think it honestly needs to be put straight.” I sit forward as I speak. “We’ve all made mistakes and done things we regret – as nice as the girls were, we did use them for a night before leaving and I, for one, am so sorry to every one of them. But if you want complete honesty – some of the girls offered themselves up and, yes, we made mistakes and took them up on that offer because we were in the wrong state of mind.”

“We know that it doesn’t excuse our behaviour and we have nobody to blame but us but...” I pause as I look back at the other three. “We’ve settled down now and we hope you guys can see the change in us.”

I see the other three nod at my words before their eyes focus on the comments, some were calling us out for our past behaviour and some were saying they forgive us as long as we do change. I also see a couple picking up on the fact I said that we had all ‘settled down now’.

“The point of this twitcam, other than to pass the time and give you guys a bit of time to see our crazy selves again, was to actually ask your opinion on something.” Luke eventually gets round to the topic we had planned to talk about.

“Yeah, we... umm...we wanted to ask your opinion on ‘ships’ going canon, or whatever you call it now, but you get the gist.” Calum continues when Luke stops.

As we read through the comments after that question, we are a little surprised by what we get.

“ **”@CalciumHood – It’s their life so why should we have the right to tell them what to do? Good luck to them whoever they are.”** They appreciate all the support, I can definitely say that.” Calum reads off and makes a comment as we smile.

“ **”@CliffordHoodlum – As much as I like shipping people together as jokes, I could never see any of them as  romances, it’s just too weird...”** Well, that’s your opinion and we can see why some ships would be a little weird.” Michael reads off, grimacing slightly at the harshness behind the tweet.

“ **”@IshwinArwin – It’s their life and if you truly loved the person/people then you would support them no matter what. To any of the fans who don’t support them...you were never a true fan.”** As much as we understand the point your making, it’s a little harsh to try and force people to accept something if they aren’t used to it. Supporting them is good, but if you don’t then its fine as long as you don’t go trying to ruin the relationship” I speak this time.

“So I guess that question came out of nowhere but we’ve all heard the horror stories of people losing everything they have worked for because people can’t accept their relationship...we were curious as to what you lot would do if one of us got into a relationship, of that kind...” I smile as I read the replies to this as I feel Michaels hand sneak up and rest against the back of my neck, him gripping slightly to let me know that he is there, as Luke and Calum also move to touch me in some way. It is safety to us and seeing most of the fans admitting that they would support us in every way possible just improves our moods. 

As we are going on stage after the twitcam ended, the change in evident in all of us as we rock out and the crowd goes crazy celebrating with us even if they have no idea what we are so happy about.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the show draws to an end we all gather round, doing our final bow and all the other rituals before messing around on our way off stage. After a few seconds we rush back on stage again, knowing that most people are still here since the lights stayed down.

I was the one that chose to do this but the boys are staying by my side so I know that if I need them then they are there.

“You guys have been an amazing crowd and we love every single one of you for coming out here tonight and letting us play our music and enjoying it with us.” I say into the mic as the crowd dulls down a little to hear me speak. “We did a twitcam earlier, who watched it?” I ask and quickly get quite a few screams in return.

The other three chuckle as they make a few comments into their mics that they hold.

“So we don’t usually do this and the last time any of us did something like this was when Mikey turned into a human torch but hopefully this won’t be as bad.” I comment. “Okay, so if you watched the twitcam earlier then you would know that we asked what you guys thought of ships going canon and hinted at if one of us came out or something like that, if you would still support us..” I pause as loads of screams erupt in what I guess is conformation of them supporting the idea. “Well we wanted to confirm it before we said anything.”

As I say this Luke and Calum step forward and join their hands as Michael steps closer to me and links his hand with my free one. He gives my hand a squeeze in encouragement before lifting his mic so he can speak. “We know that not everyone will support it and we’re fine if you don’t. If you only stick around for the music then that’s just as good but if you wish to turn your backs on us then don’t go around trying to ruin relationships because that is just cruel. We love you guys but our family, partners and friends will always come first because we will always have them even when our careers are well over.”

“I guess what we want you guys to know is that Cake and Mashton are a reality – “Luke gets cut off with screams before he continues when it dies down a little. “We hope that you guys can accept it and love us just the same, if not more since we are being truthful.”

“This will probably be the only time we will ever purposely make a point of our relationships if that is the problem, we will interact but overall it will stay the same. If we have been able to pull it off for at least 6 shows up until today then I’m sure we can behave for the rest of tour.” Calum jokes at the end.

“We love you and we’ll let you go home now, goodnight you beautiful people, we’ll see you next time.” We all wave before leaving to a chorus of screams, cries and cheers – surprisingly no booing or insults at all.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we check our social media’s later that night as we travel to the next venue, we are surprised by just how many people are supporting us. There are a few comments here and there that try to put us down but a majority of it is support. We lost a lot less than we thought but we were expecting to lose some since not everyone was going to support us.

“We did it boys, we’re out and we didn’t lose out as badly as we thought... I’d say that was a success.” I smile.

Michael leans over kissing my cheek before turning on his game console. “Damn right it is a success, but most of them would love us regardless...they said so themselves.” He sends me a cheeky smile.

“I sometimes worry about your boyfriend Ash but then I realise that you kind of balance him out.” Calum comments.

“Well you balance each other out.” Hayd states. “Is that not how a good relationship works? Being able to balance each other out and know the other better than they know themselves.”

We all take in his words, no matter what happens I think that as long as we all have each other I truly believe we can make it. When there were four of us, we were good but we still hid things and lied our way out of situations, but now that we have Hayden and Emily in our group we are doing better, and we worked things out.

As I watch Michael play, I smile to myself before leaning over and kissing his shoulder where it is exposed by his loose fitting tank top.

“What was that for?” He mumbles.

“Being one of the greatest things that have ever happened to me.” He sends me a smile, ducking down to give me a quick kiss.

“Why only one?” he asks cheekily.

“Because the other four are seated around this room sharing our moment and making memories with us.” I reply, getting playful teasing from the others before they happily agree.

“Thank you for making it all worthwhile.” I whisper that night as I fall asleep surrounded by some of the greatest friends I have in my life and the person I care about the most.


End file.
